atomic mama

It’s so exciting to approach my first mother’s day as Lina’s mama. It feels wonderful, and my life seems so very beautiful and blessed when I stop and look around. I’d always imagined my life would look something like this, what with the brilliant and handsome husband, organic spinach and french wine in the fridge, toys scattered on the hardwood floor, circuit diagrams in my handbag, baby bottles on the kitchen counter next to the coffee grinder. It’s all about a million times more meaningful and beautiful than I could have predicted, but these were all things I knew I wanted. And those of you that know me well know that I am nothing if not goal-oriented. All the Buddhist meditation in the world isn’t going to change that, folks.

The one important part of my life that I did not expect is Lily. I was never a dog person. I made fun of dog people. Especially dog people who carried their little dogs around with them, bought them plush little toys and wrapped up their poo as if it were truffles. At that time, I did not imagine that there were folks who actually bought carseats for their dogs, but I’m sure I would have shaken my head and felt sorry for the poor deranged soul who paid a hundred bucks for something like that. After I became that deranged soul, I remember feeling embarrassed when I’d give someone a ride in my car and she’d look into the back seat and say, “is that a carseat? For your DOG??” I would immediately try to justify it, of course. “It’s so she can look out the window because otherwise she’ll get carsick.” Like I’d found some creative and practical way to protect my auto upholstery! Pretty much everyone agrees that auto upholstery is important, so that usually worked. Still, I always felt that there was a little bit of pity in the person’s voice as they thought to themselves, what that woman needs is a baby.

Actually, what I needed first was a dog. What I needed was the solid and unwavering companionship and love that Lily has brought into my life. When she and I first met, I wasn’t sure how it was all going to turn out, but that little dog was sure of one thing: that I was her mama. She came into my life with that firm resolve, even in those early days when I couldn’t return it. I’d never imagined myself with a dog, let alone a small one with a squashed face, so how was I supposed to know if it was Right? The dog wasn’t in my Big Plan. The dog chose me. And I bent to her will.

I’ve been Lily’s mama for over three years now, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We rise together in the morning, and fall asleep together at night. We exchange meaningful glances when Lina’s tired and cranky. I rub her belly when she wakes up, she licks my feet when I step out of the shower. I know that it’s very likely that I will outlive Lily, such that I have the opportunity to make her entire time on this planet full of love and goodness and peanut butter. I cannot even imagine how painful it will be to say goodbye to her one day, but the joy of her presence in my life will be worth it. I know this. Lily has changed me, nudged me gently into the present moment. She serves as a constant reminder of impermanence, of the importance of loving something with all your heart even though you know you’re going to lose it. Though this is a universal truth, I’ve always tended to bat it away. When it comes to people in my life, I still do.

But when it comes to Lily, I clearly see a limited number of precious moments. A limited number of toothy grins and snorty hellos. But instead of pining over the math, I stop what I’m doing and simply enjoy being with her. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day. I never will. But today I have this dog, and I’m all the mama she’ll ever need. For Lily, I will always be enough.

So happy mother’s day to all the wonderful, powerful mamas out there, whether your children have two legs or four. We love, we nurture, we lead. We bring safety, light, and sweetness. We continue to learn from our little ones. And yes, we kick ass on their behalf when necessary.

Cheers from the Atomic Mama, proud mother to Lina and Lily.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 12th, 2006 at 14:40 and is filed under stephanie. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.