Breathe in, Breathe out
Yesterday I pushed the envelope by taking Lina grocery shopping after swimming lessons. I mean immediately afterward, which means that my butt was wet as I was walking around the grocery store because it is physically impossible for me to get both of us warm and dry after swimming without prolonged screaming (Lina’s, not mine), which echoes horribly in the locker room.
Swimming is going very well, what with Lina trying to jump from my arms into the swimming pool as soon as she sees it. I do believe she had some sort of religious experience when she hit the water yesterday, arms and legs flailing, eyeballs rolling, speaking in tongues. The other parents were eyeing us suspiciously and trying to keep their more sedate babies away from the chubby little Source of All Splashing. One mom said to me with a furrowed brow, “Isn’t she the one who was crying on the first day?” as if the child in my arms had multiple personalities. I smiled and said, “Yep.” Holy shit, people… she can learn!
I have the locker room drill down now, and although it involves using a changing room for longer than is polite so that I can feed her a bottle in peace, we’re both okay with it. It’s amazing to be so consumed with another human being that I feel no cold, no discomfort, no pressure to give up the nice little changing room to the people waiting. Physically I am sopping wet, basically drip drying in a cold locker room, shivering and trying to do ten things at once. She needs to be warm and dry, and then she needs her bottle. Period.
Then I pull clothes on over my wet swimsuit, and off we go to the grocery store. I put her in the hip carrier, because now we’re edging into naptime, and it’s much less likely that we’ll have a meltdown if she’s being carried. She can even sleep in the hip carrier if necessary. We did our shopping quickly and efficiently, and I talked/sang to her the entire time. She dug it. It’s amazing how non-self-conscious I am when I’m with her, because she is the center of my focus. And I’m kind of non-self-conscious anyway, so I pretty much let my freak flag fly when she’s on my hip.
Then it was home, nap, wake, and groove with the Wu Tang Clan. This kid has good taste in music.
My days with Lina are busy, with totally amazing silent moments within. Moments when I look at her face, know she is growing and changing Right Now, and I cannot stop it. I will live every moment, every breath with her, only once.
The water rushes lovely and terrible through my fingers and all I can do is ride it in the only direction it will ever go: forward.
January 28th, 2006 at 20:58
Steph: I could just keep reading your posts forever. You are a gifted writer. I know what you mean about feeling less self-conscious when you have the baby with you. I’ve thought about that a good bit myself. I think having Lily has made me a better person in that way. I’m much less worried now about what anyone thinks. Sounds like Lina is doing great. When are we going to do that reunion thing? Soon I hope. Lotsa love, Debbie
February 5th, 2006 at 17:38
Oh darling, I so missed your posts while I was frolicking in our home city of SF. The city misses us, I can tell. I stopped by all of our old haunts, except for the tattoo parlour, and said hello and thank you to all the places who nurtured us along the way and gently prodded us to go north and begin again as our own women. Give that Love ball Lina a big hug and wet kiss from me. xoxo